In my heart of hearts, I'm about five years old

So while I was in the shower, my favorite thinking spot, this afternoon, I came to realization as I danced (no, not the safest things I've ever done) around to my i heart radio, as I thought of all the times that I dance with my niece Ava in the kitchen and of the time of playing a game with my niece and nephew where you had to do silly dances and I realized that I spent much of childhood trying to be older or constantly worrying about things. 

Cases in point, I first learned about sex, besides that awful sex video in the fourth grade, from reading IT by Stephen King at the ripe ol' age of 11 years old.  Yeah, group sex amongst kids should really be avoided being read by any age group, I think.  Should I have been allowed to read that book or any of the adult books I read at that time?  Another, my favorite cereal was wheat chex as a kid.  I would have a bowl of fiber rich wheat chex and drink (kid) coffee with my grandmother on (every other) Saturday morning.  Yet another, I spent the ages of 14 until 22 (yeah, not a kid, but close enough), obsessed with not having good enough grades, thinking I would never have kids because I would screw them up, and meticulously counting fat grams and working out like a banshee. 

Still not convinced?  My parents realized around the age of 6 or 7 that they could no longer talk about money issues or bills in front of me because of one night when I offered them my piggy bank because I wanted them to be able to pay their bills and not worry.  They knew then that I was worried about it and matters of a financial kind should be done behind closed doors.

When I was 12 and in junior high, I babysat so that I could buy my own school clothes because I actually felt guilty and like a burden for asking my parents for the things that I wanted.  Also, I wanted to go on the high school trip with my French teacher to Europe, but I couldn't bring myself to ask my parents, who in hindsight, would of let me go without a doubt, for the money to go.

I was so "mature" that my parents let me stay by myself for most of the afternoon/evening when I was 9 or 10 years old.  I was petrified, but told myself that I was a baby and I shouldn't worry them by voicing my concerns.  That was also around the same time that they informed me that they knew that I couldn't possibly still believe in Santa and not to ruin it for my sister and brother.  I think that was the "loss of my innocence" because I had held onto the hope that there had to be Santa even if my friends said there wasn't.  Santa was ruined for me, not my brother and sister.

I'm not bashing my parents here.  I was a really mature kid.  I've always felt like an old soul.  Don't get my wrong, I loved playing barbies, house, climbing trees, and riding bikes, but there was a big part of me that preferred reading or hanging out with either grandmother or my mom over other kids.  What kid chooses going to an antique mall over playing outside?  Ding ding, this kid right here.

The point of this long entry and mourning over not being a kid long enough is that I've came up with a way to rectify this situation.  I'm not sure how much of this I can do, but starting now, at least twice a month I will do something that makes me feel like a kid again.  Things that kids love to do.  I've already started a list of things I want to do.  Here are a few:  go to the Science museum, swing, build a fort and read a book inside, catch lightning bugs (letting them go, of course!), color, make up a story, eat ice cream or cake for dinner (I've already done this once!), watch my favorite kid movies with popcorn and candy, play a kid game, play in the rain, and have a water gun fight.

As I get older, I find myself aging physically, but in my heart, becoming younger, more carefree and less worried about things that I cannot control.  This is a huge step for me.  I came out worrying.  You know, I've said it on here before and it's very much the truth.

I've also said that we all need a little whimsy every now and again and I believe this will be my whimsy.  You should all try it.  Maybe I'll have a kid party for us adults.   We'll eat hot dogs and mac & cheese, play pin the tail on the donkey, and have a water gun fight.  I think an afternoon like that sounds divine.  It would be absolute perfection if it would also rain and we could play and even better, if our parents could come clean up the mess.

For the love of April

I will say it again, "I cannot believe that April is over."  Where did it go?  Here's a monthly wrap up of happy things that occurred inside this month.  For it to have gone so quickly, it was filled to the brim with love and happiness.

.  a new job adventure  .

.  more birthday wishes and presents than anyone could ever think to wish for .

.  easter egg hunt with the neices and nephews  .

.  more reece's peanut butter eggs than one person should ever consume  .

.  lunch with my fellow Aries friend  .

.  celebration of another year with that annoying lovely little sister :)  .

.  compliments about me from patients to my boss  .

.  new cds and music  .

.  spring cleaning .

.  grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches  .

.  sunshine and surprisingly little rain for April  .

. $0.31 ice cream scoop night at Baskin Robbins  .

.  peas and Q's nail polish  .

.  coffee with nursing friends  .

.  yard sales with an easy profit  .

.  spending easy yard sale profits  .

.  Avatar and pizza birthdays for an amazing 11 year-old nephew  .

.  sushi and ice cream birthday celebrations with Mr. O  .

.  cooking with new pans  .

.  reading in the sunlight  .

.  a pea pickin' good cake baked with love from my mom  .

.  playing twister with my 3 year-old nephew  .

.  family walks to a local nursery  .

.  slowly getting back into the exercise grove  .

.  planning a possible 1/2 marathon run at the end of the year  .

.  clothes that were tight that now fit perfectly or loosely  .

.  pulling my hair up into the first ponytail of the season  .

.  a healthy immune system that finally kicked my two week long sickness  .

.  500 Days of Summer  .

.  breaking out the grill  .

.  many cups of tea and coffee  .

.  promises of good things to come  .

.  bike rides and picnics with friends  .

. Spring time playlists  .

.  relaxing days off from work  .

I found Jesus at Goodwill

After lunch with the Beaz yesterday, I did a little shopping.  I scored the following things.

I have big plans for them. I'll have to post their improved images when I bring out my craftyness, which doesn't happen often, unless it involves creativity and clothing.  First up, that cougarlicious top.  Picture it, black shorts, the shirt, black wedge heels, and the bracelets that are also pictured.  Next Girl's Night outfit?  I think, yes!  Ah, for the love of brass, that lamp will get a lovely coat of silver and a fetching lamp shade.  It will look lovely on my nightstand, especially with it's $3.99 price tag.  Lastly, the picture frame will lose that drab wood color and become red.  It will house the picture (see below) that mysteriously showed up with my etsy order a few weeks back. 

The picture will go into my collage that I've mentioned a few times before on here.  I know you guys are dying see it and to see how Jesus got worked in.  It's still a work inprogress, but I'm quite proud of it.  The O with get a coat of green, the mirror will shift to the left and the picture in the newly red frame will go on the right.  I still need to make my quote picture, which will go above the picture in the center.  I'm still trying to find the right words.  Words that will fit into the frame I purchased with the letters I purchased.  It ain't (shudder..I hate that word even if it's a reference to a cute famous frog) easy being crafty!  

Negative Nancy has left the building

Sorry about the last post.  I just don't understand how you can not take care of yourself.  Of course, I work and went to nursing school with people that do not take care of themselves, so some people won't learn, regardless of what they know, until it's too late. 

Here's a shout out to two people that I love, Misty and Ashley, who are taking their health seriously and working on their fitness.  They are Rockstars, fo' reals!  They remind me that it's time to stop using excuses and start jogging/running again.  Maybe tomorrow, if the rain holds out.

Today is my first of three days off.  It has been positively lovely. I've spent most of my day in this computer chair, catching up with blogs, window shopping, emailing, blogging, sending some birthday shout outs on FB and listening to some great music (Speaking of music, shout out to Mr. O for downloading some music on my ipod.  I love that man and am glad that he's all mine). The time with the computer has only been interrupted with a phone call from a friend from nursing school that I haven't talked to in a while and an episode of Dr. Oz.  Sometimes you just need a lazy day doing just what you want to do without the constraints of time or the needs of others holding you back.

I think I should probably go shower and maybe after do some reading and have a cup of tea.  Have I mentioned, I love this day?!  Here's to the next two days being filled with things that our good for my soul. 

Where did April go?

Seriously, this month flew by without even stopping in for tea and a chat. I can't believe it's almost May. It's like we've been in warp speed since Christmas.

I'm having trouble lately with my memory. I have always had a fabulous memory which has really helped out with school or remembering important dates. Lately, I've found myself not remembering something a patient told me about their history (don't worry, I write it all down, but I hate having to go back and look it up) or forgetting things that my friends or family tell me, important dates or plans for the weekend.

At first I was really worried that I was developing Alzheimer's. I'm serious, I know too much medically not to worry about certain things. By the way, I've decided that there is no way in hell (pardon the language) that I am going to develop kidney failure, liver failure, or diabetes. I will do everything possible to prevent any of these. I can't get mental images of patients out of my head. That's incentive, let me tell you.

Where was I? See, do you see!?! My train of thought left me. Of course, I'm not as worried about becoming a real life character based on Allie in The Notebook. I have been having a real problem with being in the moment. Lately, I've been stressed, had lack of sleep, and feel like my thoughts are running at 90 miles an hour at any given moment.

I'm working on it. I'm going to try to slow down and to be in the moment. I'm actually going to start doing some yoga or at least taking a few me moments out to meditate on certain things, instead of letting them take over my every-waking moment.

Don't think that I'm not going to start doing some crossword puzzles, drinking tea daily, remembering my vitamins, exercising, learning a new language or learning to play guitar (Finally!) or something new. The most powerful thing that we have is control over our future and our health. If you can see what I see on a daily basis, you would take control back. You would be motivated to try to stop the preventable or even the unpreventable. And if genetics do win, you can have some comfort in the fact that you gave your all in the fight.

I'm getting on my soap box right now. Feel free to stop reading, but I hope you don't.

Things I believe whole heartedly:

• If you could see the 50+ year old, who looks remarkably older, struggle to breathe without their OWN must-have oxygen or struggle to take one breathe, something our healthy bodies don't even have to think about and just do, you would put down your cigarettes.

• If you could see someone's child stand beside their mother's or father's bed, watching them struggle to breathe as tears are welling up in their eyes, you would put down your cigarettes. You would stop saying how hard it is and think about someone other than yourself. How about you think about your child and what you WILL without a doubt put them through? Smoking is one of the most selfish acts that I can think of. You will burden someone else in the future. What will your reason be? It's too hard...I'm stressed and it helps...I've been doing it so long that I don't know what I would do...I'll gain weight...I've already done damage, so what is the point? Well, let me speak from your child's point of view, as my mother is a smoker, who didn't start until seven years ago (brilliant, right?). So here it goes, I, nor do they, want to be the one to put the oxygen mask or tubing on you. I, nor they, want to be the one to sit there and watch you die before my eyes and think, "Is this going to be the last breath?" Don't think that there won't be some bitterness because you had a choice and in one of the worst decisions you've ever made you put yourself first and EVERY single person that loves you last. Smoking is one of the single most stupid things you can do. My gosh, take your lungs back. Take your child's future back before it's too late.

• If you could watch someone have a heart attack and be shocked back to life, you would try everything to keep your heart healthy. If you could see their family members cry and hold on to each other, you would take blood pressure medicine or any heart medicine like you are supposed to, you would think about what goes into your mouth, and listen when there are warning signals. You wouldn't think, "Oh, that won't happen to me," because their family member lying there with a tube down their throat after multiple shocks and being wheeled to cardiac cath lab, if they are lucky, probably didn't think it would happen to them either, but it happens to people, lots of people. People just like you and me. Don't think because you are not overweight or are thin, that it won't happen to you, if you are filling your body full of saturated fats and heart hurtful foods. It will happen. I've seen it with my own eyes.

• If you saw a thirty-something year old, missing a leg because of uncontrolled diabetes, you would control your diabetes or do everything you could to prevent yourself from getting the disease, especially if you have a family history of it.

• If you saw an 80lb twenty-something year old without a uterus, ovaries or inguinal lymph nodes, you would go have that yearly check up because uterine and ovarian cancer are real and strike any age and can be stopped with early detection. If it strikes you, how can you look at your family members and say, "I just didn't feel like going or I hate going because it's gross?" Does anyone like going to gynecologist? I don't think so. Although, I do like my gynecologist. I just wish we were hanging out under different circumstances.

I could go on and on, but I won't. Please, please, please think about your health. Do it for your friends and family. I promise my next post will be upbeat. I won't keep nagging, but understand that these images are forever burned into my mind and, if I could take you all to work with me to show you what I see, then I would. I would do everything in my power to save you from the things that I see. I choose my life. It's that simple. You should choose your life too.

Songs for Spring

Sorry, for the hiatus.  I worked four out of five days beginning last Wednesday.  On my only day off, Saturday, I helped with B's yard sale.  So, needless to say, I had no time for blogging or such.  My Google Reader has 1,000+ entries.  It won't even give me the exact number.  I may just have to mark all as read and move on.  Hopefully, I didn't miss anything too great. 

I have a big announcement.  I'll probably do that later, but in the meantime, here's a list of my Spring playlist.  Enjoy!

That Time - Regina Spektor

These Days - Nico

1901 - Phoenix

Cash Cow - We are Scientists

Nighttiming - Coconut Records

The Backseat - The Gaslight Anthem

Ooh La La - Goldfrapp

Pearl's Dream - Bat for Lashes

Found Out About You - Gin Blossoms

Incredible Love - Ingrid Michaelson

Night Moves - Bob Seger

When You Were Young - The Killers

The Angles Hung Around - Rilo Kiley

Young Bride - Midlake

Burning Photographs - Ryan Adams

Sofa Song - The Kinks

1234 - Feist

No Rain - Blind Melon

Think I Need it too - Echo and the Bunnymen

On My Mind - Leona Naess

Sweet Disposition - The Temper Tramp

I Want You To - Weezer

Rain King - Counting Crows

Lady on the Water - Blitzen Trapper

Garden Grove - Sublime

River of Deceit - Mad Season

Sweet Jane - The Velvet Underground

To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens

Volcano - Damien Rice

Interstate Love Song - Stone Temple Pilots

She Says - Ani Difranco

Wonder lust

Things I've been wondering lately...

• Am I too old to wear a tutu skirt?  I'm serious here.  Just be warned when I have a daughter she will wear tutus in an array of colors and I will have tutu envy.
• Why are Bradford Pear trees so pretty, but smell so horrendous?  Our neighborhood is full of them.  When I'm walking, I get a noseful of fishy dog food smell.  Gross.
• How many days can you eat cake or Reece's peanut butter eggs for breakfast and still use the excuse, "It's my birthday!"  There has to be a window.
• Will our kids turn out as weird as our dogs are?  I mean, our dogs are weird on a daily basis, but absolutely bizarre at times.  I'm hoping it was in their genetic pool and not our child-rearing skills.
• Is there a way to make my hair thicker without going to Hair Club for Women? 
• Which cookbook should I attempt to cook all the recipes in a la Julie & Julia?
• Where should I spend my birthday money?  Lowes, Target, Old Navy, Thrifting, HomeGoods?  I can't decide, but I'll be shopping soon.

Birthday loot

Now, what to spend the money on?

I know this much is true

Things that I know about myself:

• I could never be vegan.  I love cheese too much.  Cheese is incredible.  Don't you agree?  Oh my goodness and a fried egg on ratatouille.  I'm suddenly hungry.
• I love water, but hate having to go the bathroom every 30 minutes.  It's impossible for a nurse to do this.  I'm lucky if I get to go two to three times in one shift!  Needless to say, I work with several people who have recently had bladder infections.
• I get bored easily, especially with jobs.  Eventually, I'll find one that fits, but I have several plans in the future that involve either leaving or working multiple places, like owning my own cafe and doing something in cancer research.
• I cannot get motivated to workout, especially alone.  I like to workout with others, but I live too far from all the people that workout on a regular basis.  Yes, I'm making excuses.  I will work out tomorrow.  Will you workout with me, please?
• I like a good plan.  I love some spontaneity, but a good plan is perfection, if it works out or even if it takes a little spontaneity to make it work (Love some Tim Gunn!).
• I will never be a morning person.  Here's hoping for non-morning person kids.
• I get better with age.  I think we all do.  A little experience, a few wrinkles, and acceptance of things we can change and cannot change makes everyone a little more interesting and better at this thing called life.
• I'm an old soul.  I'm drawn to vintage, antiques, and days of the past.  I love new things too, don't get me wrong, but my heart longs for yesterday on most days.
• Clothing is the easiest way for me to express myself. 
• I can get what I want, if I put enough heart, soul, and determination to get it.  No one can stand in my way.  Want to try me? I'm so not a tough girl either.
• You can take school away from the girl, but you can never take away the notebooks from this girl.  I have notebook upon notebooks full of lists, ideas, websites, grocery lists, and any thing I think I need to write down.
• I want to learn something new every day until my last day.  I can never know too much. 
• I hate driving.  What was I thinking about taking a job in Dickson?  Seriously.  I know this about myself.  I didn't get my license until 17 because my other friends could drive me around.  I would still let you drive me around.  Want to volunteer?
• I'm a glass half full person, so don't try to bring me down.  Don't look at things from a negative side, look at them from a "what can I learn from this," no matter how bad things are going.  Negativity will only bring you down and I'm frustrated that most people will let it.
• I know hardly anything about classic rock, nor do I really want to know anything.
• I'm great at math, but I do not really like math.  I don't think she likes me much either.
• Sometimes I just don't want to put in the effort to pick up the phone or hang out.  I'm working on this.  I have great friends and they should know that they are appreciated.
• A good song can always change my day or mood.
• I don't like being overwhelmed.  I either bail or my body will bail on me.  I like being pushed, but when it crosses the threshold of overwhelmed.. peace, I'm out.
• I would love to move out of state, but I could never do it.  Tennessee is home.  I'm a southern girl at heart, minus hunting, the country accent, and being subservient to men.  I choose to be in the kitchen. 

March, how I love you

I can't believe it's time for another monthly round up of all the lovely things that put a smile on my face, but it seems like it is, so my heart is now taking over this post.   Happy things that filled March...

.  Ani Difranco concert  .

.  lunches with friends  .

.  purple nail polish called Climax  .

.  new job opportunties  .

.  smiles from the universe  .

.  expanded recycling  .

.  Liberty of London for Target  .

.  flea market trips with family and friends  .

.  flea market finds  .

.  girl's nights out  .

.  discovery of  new music:  Phoenix, Dan Black, Joanna Newsom  .

.  rekindling old music flames:  Ryan Adams, Ani Difranco, Tracey Chapman  .

.  Cascadian Farms chocolate chip granola bars  .

.  the return of the sun  .

.  a nephew's first piano recital  .

.  healthy yearly check-ups that bring a hope of things to come  .

.  two Saturdays off!  .

.  Etsy finds  .

.  hair long enough to pull up  .

.  date nights with Mr. O  .

.  Negro Modelo beer  .

.  sunshine for longer  . 

.  Spring!  .

.  free books from patients  .

.  Modern Family  .

.  new workout pants found on clearance  .

.  coupons for Publix  .

.  sweet potato and hominy soup  .

.  loss of weight/becoming healthier  .

.  spring cleaning  .

.  new magazines in the mailbox  .

.  avoiding sickness when surrounded by the sick  .

.  making winter meals before it gets too warm  .

. turning on the ceiling fan for the first time for the year .

. denim shorts and tights  .

.  NOT falling asleep while driving home from work  .

.  answered prayers  .

.  late night ice cream runs in pajamas  .

.  blooming flowers and trees  .

.  late nights all to myself  .

.  opening up the windows to let the sunshine in  .