I read on a couple of other blog entries recently that were letters that they wrote to their 16 year old self. There are so many things that I would like to go back and tell my 16 year-old self. I thought, "Why not?" and decided to do it myself. So, here are my words of wisdom.
Let me start by saying that you are not invincible. You will do some incredibly stupid things in the coming years. I know, it's what teenagers do and lucky for you, you will come out unscathed, but you will be incredibly lucky that you do not end up as one of the missing girls on flyers at Wal-Mart. You need to not trust every cute boy or interesting older person you meet. They do not all deserve your trust. Do not follow them or worse yet, ride with them to their house or some unknown destination, where you have no idea where you are.
I get it, you want to have fun. Who doesn't want to have fun? Fun sometimes comes at some other expense. You will learn that later in life. What you need to do is hold on to your family tight. Go on the last few family trips. Don't stay home in order to have your friends come over. You can see your friends any time. Choose your family. You'll find out later how much your mom and siblings missed you because you locked yourself in your room and spent every waking second that you weren't at school or work with your friends, not to mention greeting them with a cold shoulder when you were home. You're not even going to talk to most of those people after high school. You will spend years over the guilt of not being with your family more and you will struggle trying to make up for lost time, especially after Dad dies. He dies and you should know that. The guilt will bring your knees and cause so many tears. It's not your fault. You think, nothing will ever happen to them, but it does. Hug them more and tell them that you love them more. They need you and more importantly, you need them more than you'll ever know. Quit, being so damn independent. You're only sixteen, for goodness sakes.
Yes, they aren't like you at all. You've always felt different and like you didn't belong. You want to grow and see and do so many things. You feel like they hold you back. You've known that for most of your 16 years. They, on the other hand, are content with what they have and where they are. That's not going to change. It doesn't change the fact that they are the ones that would do absolutely anything for you and the people who love you the most. Dad's death brings everyone closer. You'll hold onto each other for dear life and truly appreciate what you have with each of them. You'll pray that no one else gets taken from you too soon again. Your mom and brother will be two of your closest friends. You'll work on your sister. You'll figure her out evidently. She will act her age, just when you think it's a lost cause. You'll feel like a weight has lifted off your shoulders and you will be grateful. You know, you couldn't have helped carry her forever.
Okay, I promise, there are positive things you need to know, but first, one more thing, you have got to stop the obsession with your weight. It's just truly began over the last four months. Sure, you think you're only counting calories and it's not that big of a deal, but it's going to start to consume you. It's going to drive you mad in the next five years. It's going to go down to barely eating and exercising like crazy. It will make you hate yourself like nothing else. Look around you, you are skinnier than most people and most of your friends. You are skinny already. The most important thing is that you are healthy. You won't be in the coming years. You'll look sick. You'll be far skinnier than you ever should be. You can stop it all now. Go eat pizza and ice cream like a normal teenager. Who cares if you aren't perfect? FYI, no one is perfect. It's time you learned that. People are going to stop telling you how great you look and start worrying about how skinny you are. They will forever worry that you are relapsing years later if you drop a few pounds. It will annoy you, but you, my dear, brought it on yourself. You can stop it. It hasn't started spinning out of control. You have time. You really do look fantastic. What you see in the mirror isn't reality. Look past it, look deeper. See what the world sees.
You are amazingly smart. Much smarter than you think you are. You're not going to try that hard later in high school because you'll think, "What's the point?" The point is that you can do anything that you want to do. Don't doubt that. You'll drop out of college and regret that later, but you'll go to nursing school and be one of the top students in your class. You'll look back then and think of how amazing you were when you were young, in college, and staying out until all hours of the night and still pulling A's and the occasional B. You were so smart and had no idea. So, believe in yourself now. Believe that you can do it. You have no idea what you are capable of. You could have been the doctor that you wanted to be. It would have been hard work, but there is no doubt in my mind that you would have done it beautifully.
You have so many things going for you. Don't let the few bad things drag you down. You are so kind and loving. You deserve some of that love yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. Love yourself like you love other people. Want no pain or hurt, like you want for everyone else. Take care of yourself, like you try to take care of everyone else. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself before others. That one will take years to learn. Learn it now.
You are funny and have a light that glows when you smile. Don't lose that. You are passionate and artistic and have so many things going for you. Don't worry about what everyone else has or does. Who cares? You should be your top priority. The world is so much bigger than you can even imagine. Don't be in a hurry to see it and do it all. Take it all in slowly. Breathe and live in the moment. Don't be thinking about what's next, because it'll come eventually. Enjoy where you are and who you are. Each little moment will lead you to who you are and if it goes by too quickly, you'll miss something important.
Oh, and by the way, you do live to be thirty. In fact, you're thirty-two. I know, it's hard to imagine that because it's so old to you, but it is so much better than you could have imagined. So much better, than 18 or 21 or 16. It's the best age yet. You're going to get married. Yes, you who tires of boys so quickly and instead has crushes*, because you don't want to be controlled or tied down. You, who yells at your dad, that you'll never get married and instead live with your boyfriend. Oh, you'll get married and you'll know it within a couple months into dating him, that you would want nothing else than to have this boy tell you he loves you and to live happily ever surrounded by your kids. Yes, you want kids too. Crazy to you, I'm sure, since you want no kids and want the furthest thing from marriage. Do you know what? You are the happiest that you've ever been. You husband truly sweeps you off your feet. He is so kind, and loving, and one of the best things that has ever happened to you. He helps pick up all the pieces. The pieces that started falling down at 16. This life is nothing like you imagined, but it so much more than you ever could have imagined. You will be so blessed and happy and content and full of love. You'll know in your heart, that life will just keep getting better. Sure, they'll be the bumps in the road, but you can handle, you can handle anything.
Love,
your older and wiser self
*One of the crushes you have is a douche bag. You will have Speech and Drama with him next year and you will realize that you wasted two years of your life obsessing over him. He is nothing like the perfect person that is in your mind. He isn't even close to someone that you would date. In fact, forget about the other crush too. He'll get arrested for drug possession, later this year. Oh, and the third crush will also be in your Speech and Drama class too. You'll be over him in no time. He'll ask Bridget out. She'll go on one date with him and tell you how lame and boring it was and you'll be happy that you dodged that bullet too. It might just be better to focus on studying. You're choice in boys right now isn't so great.
