I know this much is true

Things that I know about myself:

• I could never be vegan.  I love cheese too much.  Cheese is incredible.  Don't you agree?  Oh my goodness and a fried egg on ratatouille.  I'm suddenly hungry.
• I love water, but hate having to go the bathroom every 30 minutes.  It's impossible for a nurse to do this.  I'm lucky if I get to go two to three times in one shift!  Needless to say, I work with several people who have recently had bladder infections.
• I get bored easily, especially with jobs.  Eventually, I'll find one that fits, but I have several plans in the future that involve either leaving or working multiple places, like owning my own cafe and doing something in cancer research.
• I cannot get motivated to workout, especially alone.  I like to workout with others, but I live too far from all the people that workout on a regular basis.  Yes, I'm making excuses.  I will work out tomorrow.  Will you workout with me, please?
• I like a good plan.  I love some spontaneity, but a good plan is perfection, if it works out or even if it takes a little spontaneity to make it work (Love some Tim Gunn!).
• I will never be a morning person.  Here's hoping for non-morning person kids.
• I get better with age.  I think we all do.  A little experience, a few wrinkles, and acceptance of things we can change and cannot change makes everyone a little more interesting and better at this thing called life.
• I'm an old soul.  I'm drawn to vintage, antiques, and days of the past.  I love new things too, don't get me wrong, but my heart longs for yesterday on most days.
• Clothing is the easiest way for me to express myself. 
• I can get what I want, if I put enough heart, soul, and determination to get it.  No one can stand in my way.  Want to try me? I'm so not a tough girl either.
• You can take school away from the girl, but you can never take away the notebooks from this girl.  I have notebook upon notebooks full of lists, ideas, websites, grocery lists, and any thing I think I need to write down.
• I want to learn something new every day until my last day.  I can never know too much. 
• I hate driving.  What was I thinking about taking a job in Dickson?  Seriously.  I know this about myself.  I didn't get my license until 17 because my other friends could drive me around.  I would still let you drive me around.  Want to volunteer?
• I'm a glass half full person, so don't try to bring me down.  Don't look at things from a negative side, look at them from a "what can I learn from this," no matter how bad things are going.  Negativity will only bring you down and I'm frustrated that most people will let it.
• I know hardly anything about classic rock, nor do I really want to know anything.
• I'm great at math, but I do not really like math.  I don't think she likes me much either.
• Sometimes I just don't want to put in the effort to pick up the phone or hang out.  I'm working on this.  I have great friends and they should know that they are appreciated.
• A good song can always change my day or mood.
• I don't like being overwhelmed.  I either bail or my body will bail on me.  I like being pushed, but when it crosses the threshold of overwhelmed.. peace, I'm out.
• I would love to move out of state, but I could never do it.  Tennessee is home.  I'm a southern girl at heart, minus hunting, the country accent, and being subservient to men.  I choose to be in the kitchen. 

March, how I love you

I can't believe it's time for another monthly round up of all the lovely things that put a smile on my face, but it seems like it is, so my heart is now taking over this post.   Happy things that filled March...

.  Ani Difranco concert  .

.  lunches with friends  .

.  purple nail polish called Climax  .

.  new job opportunties  .

.  smiles from the universe  .

.  expanded recycling  .

.  Liberty of London for Target  .

.  flea market trips with family and friends  .

.  flea market finds  .

.  girl's nights out  .

.  discovery of  new music:  Phoenix, Dan Black, Joanna Newsom  .

.  rekindling old music flames:  Ryan Adams, Ani Difranco, Tracey Chapman  .

.  Cascadian Farms chocolate chip granola bars  .

.  the return of the sun  .

.  a nephew's first piano recital  .

.  healthy yearly check-ups that bring a hope of things to come  .

.  two Saturdays off!  .

.  Etsy finds  .

.  hair long enough to pull up  .

.  date nights with Mr. O  .

.  Negro Modelo beer  .

.  sunshine for longer  . 

.  Spring!  .

.  free books from patients  .

.  Modern Family  .

.  new workout pants found on clearance  .

.  coupons for Publix  .

.  sweet potato and hominy soup  .

.  loss of weight/becoming healthier  .

.  spring cleaning  .

.  new magazines in the mailbox  .

.  avoiding sickness when surrounded by the sick  .

.  making winter meals before it gets too warm  .

. turning on the ceiling fan for the first time for the year .

. denim shorts and tights  .

.  NOT falling asleep while driving home from work  .

.  answered prayers  .

.  late night ice cream runs in pajamas  .

.  blooming flowers and trees  .

.  late nights all to myself  .

.  opening up the windows to let the sunshine in  .

Call it what you will

Okay, after the day I've had, I thought, "What better time to share all the so-called "coincidences" than now." So, I'll start with what happened to me today. I am beyond excited about it. You'll see why in just a few moments. Think what you will, but I know what I believe. Mr. O keeps telling me to knock on wood, but by putting this list I am in no way bragging and, if for some reason, things start not going my way, I'm okay with that because I have gotten quite a bit lately and I'm grateful for that. Maybe it's someone else's turn to reap the benefits, but I also know that I won't stop believing if things stop magically appearing in front of me. Without further adieu, here are examples of how the universe has smiled on me lately.


1. I went for a job interview today in Hendersonville. First off, let me say before all the interviews came coming my way, I had said aloud in my head as I lay down to sleep things like, "I need to find something closer, or I will find something closer or the job for me will come my way, I know it." When I read about the Hendersonville job, I thought it's almost perfect, but it was a night shift position. Blah. As I thought about it, I thought, "Maybe I'll walk in there and she'll offer me a better a shift." Yes, she did. She offered me a mid-shift position. I almost fell out of my chair. I told her that that position was exactly what I wanted. She told me that she got goosebumps when I said that. Unfortunately, this position is on hold too, or so I was told. Well, later that afternoon when I had gotten home from grocery shopping, I noticed that I had missed a call. It was from the ER director who told me she had great news for me and to check my email when I got the message. They are unfreezing the position for ME. Can you believe this? Now, it'll only be 32 hours for now, instead of 36, but I'll get benefits, a closer location to drive too, and a better shift. She said that she couldn't believe that they had unfroze it because they had told her absolutely not. She actually said that with me it was Divine intervention. I am seriously in some kind of euphoric haze. Now, it's not completely official until Wednesday and, unlike I had originally thought, I'll have to take a pay cut, but I figured that it was too good to be true to keep my current salary. I'm okay with this.


2. In the midst of all the interview news, I checked my mail and found that the two prints I had ordered had arrived. When I opened the package, it was not just my two prints, but they had sent me another too. What you need to know is that I had been debating between three prints, but I had ordered only the two. Well, the third mystery print, was the OTHER print that I didn't get. The one that I said, "I must have this one," when I saw it. I am still blown away that this happened. Although, I do feel guilty, so maybe I'll email the artist and tell her that I mistakenly got an extra print and that I think my heart willed it so. You also need to know that there are like 50 prints on that site.


3. You know about the interviews and how I wished for a mid-shift position and that my perfect position was 9a-9p and that's what shift the Summit position is that I interviewed for last week, even though I didn't know that. I actually thought it was a 7a-7p position based on the ad for it.


4. While I was driving to my old job when I had been offered the Horizon position, I begged for a sign on what to do, if I should accept the position or hold out for something else. I looked to my left and there was a truck beside me. A truck with the Horizon written on the side of it. I said, "Thank you very much."


5. My goals for the year have fallen into place. I have had to make very little effort. I'm very thankful for this. I guess I need to make some new goals. It only seems fair to do that. It's as if I made that blog entry and within a few weeks everything fell into place.


6. Pretty much every time I've gone thrifting for something, it has been there. I mean, I have said, "I need a vintage red belt," walked in and low and behold the exact vintage red belt that I had pictured. Odd.


7. Last Friday, as I was getting ready to go to work, I repeatedly stated that I wanted to work in Fast Track, which is less serious cases. I hadn't been there in awhile. The assignments are based on what the charge nurse wants to do. There are set people that always seem to work Fast Track also. Well, when I got to work, they told me I'd be the nurse in Fast Track. Sweet.

There are so, so many more, but I'm really tired. I'm not even in a writing mood, so I'm sure there are typos and tons of grammar errors, but you get the gist of this. I mean, it's mind blowing to me. Again, I'm grateful, so very grateful. I'm excited to see what's up next. I have a few plans that I hope come to fruition. We'll just have to wait and see.

Poetry of an american teenager

Poetry from my younger teenaged and early twenties self. Ponder it. Sorry about the language in the last poem. I was a very passionate person.

The Candyman

I'm afraid of the man
that sits on my curb and
offers me all the candy
i could ever need.
Sugar becomes sex,
and love walks away with
a smile,
and this sucker tastes
good enough to eat.

The Harvest

The lies
fall from my mouth
like sinful fruit
that without hesitation
you savor mindlessly
forgetting to wait for the lies
to ripen to truth

Dream #10

A dog walks a man
down an endless road
of candy cane houses
while their owners stand
on their hands and smile
toothless grins at one another
while the clocks all tick
backwards and the moon is the sun
and the sun is the moon
And all the vampires
lay in tanning beds
baking their skin to golden brown
while the boogy man
sits at a quaint little cafe
dining on a salad with fat-free dressing
while reading Vogue, and wishing to be
the next Kate Moss in Calvin Klein underwear
And the sound of The Bangle's
"Walk like an Egyptian" pours out speakers
installed in every street light
only interfered with the sound of the ice cream
truck coming up the ladders
never down the chutes
And the ice cream man sells
heroin in a cone and prozac on a stick
And all the rail-thin toothless smiling people
dream of the day when they will, hopefully,
become fat and cease to see their
bones in the upside down mirrors of sorrow
that make up all the sidewalks,
so that everyone can see up each other's skirts
while they walk down the street to the
"open mic" nights at the coffee shops
where no one ever talks but instead
all sit quietly reading the bible
wondering who God really is?

Lovesick

Your sugarcoated words
eat holes through my mind.
I wonder
how much longer
it will be
until all my thoughts are
decayed?

What is Forever?

Sitting on a pedestal
deflowered by the fingers of reality
Tongue-twisted and out of breath
from a kiss that never existed
In love with the idea of love
but not knowing what the f@!+ it is.
Knowing only that I hate companionship
to the point of craving nothing else.
And I hate the way that
you're pounding on the walls of my memory
as if to let me know that you're still there
and you will always exist,
and I'll never sleep.
Scabbed knees and red lipstick,
kiss me and make me all better
Open my mouth
but the words have dried up
and i cry
because i don't know what else to say
Scrape my nails down the spine
of my subconscious,
but nothing is underneath.
My identity is drowning
in thick rivers of regurgitated wants
that are flushed away form
everything that i need.

Another day, another dollar

While sitting in the break room on Monday, I made the comment that I never knew how many people lacked personal hygiene until I started working as a nurse. Flash forward to Tuesday, the universe laughed in my face as I dealt with the lack of bathing ALL day. I'll give you the highlights, foot odor, holding my breath during a catheter insertion, and unbathed for at least week. Lesson learned, I'll keep my mouth shut. Thank you.

I've worked a crazy schedule this week, so I'm sorry for the lack of communication. I've been either sleeping, driving or working. Lets see, I worked Saturday night shift, Monday day shift, and then 3pm-3am last night. Needless to say, I'm glad that I have the day off.

I'm looking forward to the weekend, which includes girl's night, the flea market, and Sunday with no plans. Woot! Ah, sunshine and warmth, how I've missed you so. It's time to let my arms see the sunlight.

Next month's schedule is more consistent. After next week, I'll be on day shift. Yes! I even have a couple of Saturdays off. My schedule should probably stay like this for a while. One of the girls at work just went on maternity leave and the other one should go at the end of the next month. That is great for me, since they are both on day shifts.

Oh yeah, I'm sure you've been waiting with bated breath about my job interview. It went really, really well. The job is actually on hold (story of my (nursing) life) right now, but that actually works out because I'm hoping that they will call me after April and before my boss puts together the May schedule. If that happens, it was really meant to be. I didn't want to leave my coworkers hanging and I won't, if it goes this way. If you don't believe in "putting something out into the universe," so to speak, then you are missing out. Whether you call it fate, God, a divine power, or coincidence, it is true that if you put it out or put mind to it, you will be rewarded. I'm dumbfounded at half the things that I wish or think that immediately happen. I am blown away on a daily basis. I know, you feel me, Beaz. Mr. O tells me not to read into things too much, but I'm not reading, I'm just believing.

I don't feel like I should try to convince you. It doesn't work, if you try to believe for someone else. They must believe in it and themselves. If I could give you all what you wanted, I would. You know, I'm a sucker for the well being of others. Case in point, I'm watching Biggest Loser right now and I cried within the first five minutes. I love when people are happy and do great things. Now, if they could just bathe along the way, then I would be really happy. I'll make another entry about the so-called coincidences that have occurred recently. It will be a nice way to remind myself that I'm a lucky girl.

Oh, the weight of the world is heavy

Okay, so what's been weighing heavily on my mind, you ask? Well, first off, let me say that I love my job. I love the people, the atmosphere, and my awesome boss. I do not like the drive. I HATE the drive. I realized when I took the job that it would be an hour drive. I did not factor in that nurses have to be on the floor at their start time, not clocking in. Someone is always waiting on you to either go to lunch or to give report, so that they can go home. So, this means, that I have to leave my house at least 15-20 minutes early on the trips to Dickson to make sure that I get there with time to put my stuff away, use the bathroom, and load my pockets for my shift. I am basically losing two hours and twenty minutes in driving every time I go to work.

Now, I have thought about staying the night at a hotel (I only have to pay either $15 or $20 depending on where I stay) on days when I have three shifts in a row, but I do not sleep well in hotels and I'm creeped out by the thoughts of bed bugs and grossness.

So, here is the kicker (the heaviness, the choice), on a whim, I emailed the Summit nursing recruiter about a job in the ER that I had seen that was posted. I only have four months experience, so I figured she'd email me back and say that I didn't have the experience. I told her in the email to just keep me in mind for at least a part-time position, so that I could have full-time hours between the two jobs. Um, she emailed me alright, asking when I could interview. I am in shock. I guess you shouldn't ask for something, unless you really mean it. Not only, did she email me back, but so did the recruiter at Centennial, who I had emailed about a position in the OB ER. I was shot down for that one, but she told me that I could INTERVIEW for the a job in the ER at night during the week. Shut yo' mouth. I know.

I guess, it's true what they say, that once you have a little experience under your belt, the sky is the limit when it comes to nursing jobs. I hope you're listening Tennessee Oncology, who won't give me a chance.

I'm left feeling excited, guilty and confused. The director of the ER at Summit called my boss to ask about me. I did not tell her I was applying. I didn't really apply. I just sent an email to the recruiter. I told her this, that I never thought that they would actually email me back, let alone use the word interview. To top the guilt off, she said good things about me. She was the only one that gave me a chance when I was looking for jobs and here it is four months later and I'm already looking for an exit. I feel horrible. Plus, everyone at work is super nice. They let me ask a million questions and don't look at me like I'm idiot. Well, minus one of the doctors and a couple of the nurses, but I think out of 50 something nurses for only one or two to be mean is pretty awesome odds.

Here's my dilemma, not that I know if I'm even going to get offered the job, but do I take it? I haven't emailed the recruiter back at Centennial just yet. I'm not sure that I want too, but remember, Centennial was my number one choice when I was looking for a job. Oh dear, the decisions will drive a person crazy.

Here's a list of my concerns for either taking the job or not taking the job and staying where I am. Help me out, my peeps! What do you think I should do? Ultimately, I know it's my own decision.

Pros:

• I would have a set schedule. I don't like having an unset schedule. I'm a planner by
  nature and all this going from morning, to night shift to mid-shift, as left me
  extremely tired to say the least, not to mention my sleep pattern is all over
  the place and I feel constantly tired, even when I sleep in half the day.
  So, a set schedule would be awesome. Plus, I wouldn't have to cancel plans when they call me the day of asking if I can work. Ugh, I hate that.


• Less maintenance on my car and money towards gas and not feeling like I waste so much time driving. Ah, that drive. No more. How about 10 minutes from my house at the most? I have never had a job that close to my house. I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself.


• I would get benefits immediately. Basically, I would be considered a transfer employee. We pay an arm and a leg for Aaron's insurance. I'm talking $400+ a month. I'm not sure about how much I would have to pay at the hospital, but I'm thinking that it is probably good insurance and well worth whatever amount you have to pay.


• Being a transfer, I think I would get my same rate of pay. I make like $7 more than a full-time worker because I am PRN and work crazy shifts. I'm not 100% on this, but that is unbelievable to me. It doesn't seem fair, but I'm down with making the same!


• I would be full-time. Meaning, three shifts a week. Word! Our bank account would thank me.


• Better shift hours. It's crazy, but I have always said that 9am-9pm would be the perfect shift for me. They do not offer that shift where I work. It just so happens that the shift I applied for is either 9-9 or 11-11. How crazy is that? It's like my prayers were answered.

Cons:

• I like all the people where I work. I don't like being the new person and I'm just getting to the point where I'm not the new person anymore. I like almost everyone at the job. I'm becoming friends with them. Check out my facebook, like 20 of them are now my friend on there.


• People aren't bothered by my questions. I still have a million questions every day. I mean, I'm a new nurse. I still have to ask about things every day. I would hate to start a new job and they all feel burdened by me because I have to ask a million things.


• They need me now more than ever. I'm not just saying that. They really do. One of the other nurses, just went on maternity leave and another one will go soon. Not to mention, there are like 5 other girls pregnant. If I leave now, they will be in a bind. Plus, I'm getting more hours now and next schedule they are all day shifts because I took the shifts of the girl that went on maternity leave.


• I like where I work. I'm used to where things are and how things are done. What if it's totally different at another hospital. How will I get used to it? It'll be restarting all over and erasing what I learned at my current work.


• The position I applied for is weekend days. I'm really concerned about not seeing everyone anymore. I mean, I've had a few break downs already about not ever seeing my family or friends. See how much I care about you guys? I burst into tears last weekend because Aaron told me that he had to work on Sunday, which was going to be the first time I was going to get to see him in three days. So, for everyone out there that thinks being off during the week is great, it is, but you don't think about working on the weekends and not seeing anyone because just about everyone works during the week and is off on the weekends. Sigh. Yes, I knew I would have to do this when I was a nurse, but it still sucks. Wasn't that stated eloquently?

There you have it, the pros and the cons. I'm sure there are more, but my mind is racing, so I can't think of them right now. What do I do? I'm so torn, but at the same time, excited about the possibility. Why do life's decisions have to be so difficult? Why when you are at crossroads can't there be a sign that says, "This way to a positive and rewarding future." I'll let you know how Thursday goes.

A letter

Dear allergies,

So we meet again. You seem to think that we are friends, instead of just mere acquaintances that meet up a three or four times a year. Well, if you insist on hanging around, I'd like you to meet my friend, Zyrtec. He's quite charming, but I don't think he really likes you being around me. He's possessive in that respect.

Now, please scoot off for the next six months and whatever you do, please leave my nose and right ear alone. What have they done to you?

Sincerely,

Mrs. O