Even though, I have no idea what it will be like to be a mother, I completely feel like Elaine, known as MamaQ from Wasabi Mama, took words out of my mouth when she was featured on Rockstar Diaries recently.
Not to say those of you who had no problems conceiving, don't feel the same way, but when you struggle for years to have something that you want to so badly, only to have your body defy you time and time again and to be slapped in the face by a stick you pee on more times than you care to admit, when it finally happens, it is a miracle. It's surreal. You almost don't believe it's true.
When you work in a job where you have to try to put a catheter in a 2 month old and, afterwards, the child is laying on the bed screaming and her mother is too busy texting to pick the child up, so one of us (the nurses) pick her up as we stare at each other in bewilderment with is-this-really-happening looks or when I'm holding your child's hand because you can't stand to see your child in pain, so you excuse yourself while three of us hold your four year-old down and stick needles into her as she yells for her mama and stares into my eyes with tears pouring down her cheeks and I keep holding her hand and reassuring her that it will be over soon and that her mama will be there soon or when you have to IV a 9 month old who has been vomiting and had diarrhea for 5 days and is so dehydrated that no veins are present and multiple sticks ensue and it isn't even the parents that bring him, it's the aunt and the parents ask you how their child could be this dehydrated, it makes you want to scream, "Are you freaking kidding me!?" It makes it hard not to get angry that these women get to be mothers, but you don't. It makes you question what kind of mother you are going to be because, obviously, it must be a really horrible one or it would have happened by now.
I'm sorry, if I've been mushy lately and I really don't want to talk all baby things all the time, but forgive me for the time being because it finally did happen. I am pregnant. I'm still in disbelief six months into this. Sometimes, I'll just stop and look at Aaron and say, "We're having a baby," or "I'm really pregnant." He'll do the same thing to me. It's so mind blowing. Sometimes, I'll glance at the mirror and have a kind of out-of-body experience, like is that really me. Now, that my belly is expanding and there is no denying that some little person is in there.
So, I'll take the vomiting, the screaming, the crying, and all the good things that are sprinkled in between. I'm looking forward to every experience, whether good or bad, of raising this child. I have years of practice with nieces and nephews, my best friend and love of my life by my side, tons of friends and family full of advice to offer me and the power to choose whether or not to take it.
I am ready for this. I have been ready for this for a long time. May 25 could not get here soon enough.
Please pardon Misty if she shared too much with me, but I'm in the same fertility boat as you were...only my first IUI didn't take. Crap. Now I'm wondering if you going through IUI is something that you've even shared with your readers...I haven't read much of your backlog...so, if it's not and I'm overstepping by talking about here, feel free to delete this comment after you've read it. But, I just wanted to let you know that I'm super happy for you and Mr. O and am thrilled that your first cycle of IUI worked! My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years now...our first IUI did not take and my "timing" was off last cycle (I ovulated on a Sunday when the office is closed) and THIS cycle I'll be in London during my regular days for ultrasound and IUI...with every day I wonder if it's meant to be...
ReplyDeleteThis post made me cry. I would elaborate, but I won't. :(
ReplyDeleteKatie, we actually didn't have to use IUI. I actually was really lucky. I think everyone who follows me already knows my story. I don't ovulate like I should, so I had to try drugs. I did 6 or 7 rounds of Clomid with Ob/Gyn. I really wanted it to work, but I never ovulated, no matter what the dose. I was referred to the Nashville Fertility Clinic, where they started me on a drug called Femara, which is actually a breast cancer drug. I ovulated the first month, but like you, my timing was off. We were in Georgia with my family and come to find out, I ovulate around day 12, instead of day 14. The second round worked, obviously. Femara is my wonder drug! I plan on using it again when I try to get pregnant again. I think for the most part, our timing has always been off, so maybe that's why this hasn't worked out until now. It's like they say, "The stars have to align just right." I hope this round works for you. I know how hard it is and wish you all the luck! Are you at the Fertility clinic in Nashville? They are my miracle workers. I am so grateful for them. It was worth all the money we had to shell out.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, it made me cry too. Hopefully, I didn't make you feel bad in any way.