I love the color of it all

This week at work was very interesting.  It was unbelievably slow one day, which was nice, and weird, but don't worry, we got paid back for it yesterday, where I had to work over an hour.  I felt threatened for the first time in the ER.  It's the first time where I truly felt intuition at work.  That intuition said, "Get the heck out of this room."  Right as I was backing out, the patient started pushing their way out.  Luckily, I had a rolling cart/computer between us.  I completely believe in intuition.  You have instincts that show themselves when you aren't safe.  The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.  I guess, we're more animal than some want to admit.

The "diet" is going okay.  How do you not eat carbs?  They are in everything and in massive quantities!  B, I need you to forward me what you and D eat.  I have no idea how to do it effectively.  I am eating carbs with protein.  Right now, I'm eating saltines and peanut butter, like I did when I was five.  It's very hard for this sugar lover to not eat a lot of sugar too. 

I'm trying really hard to cut back on coffee too, but it's hanging onto my leg begging me to take it back and how can I say no to it's hotness and richness.  I try to explain I have to do this for my future children and to not take it the wrong way that I'm choosing unborn people over it.  This one is tough.  Green tea just doesn't seem as alluring and mysterious.  You know, I used to be all about mysterious and alluring. Old habits die hard and caffeine addiction is a ....

I actually started this post almost a week ago.  This week went by really quickly.  Somehow, I managed to have three days off, but still haven't gone to the grocery, updated my blog, or finished cleaning the house.  I'm not sure what I filled my time with.  It's pretty obvious it was not the things that I needed to do.

I'll leave you with a list of things I've been pondering lately.

• Summer nights are absolutely magical.  As I walked the dogs the other night, I actually felt an energy in the dark sky.  I have always loved summer nights.  Some of my best memories are driving around on summer nights with my windows down and music playing.  I've never really been a fan of summer, besides the getting out of school part when I was younger, but for the last few years, I have really grown to appreciate it.  Maybe it's the fact that I think I appreciate everything more now.  It's easier for me to find loveliness in all things now.
• Why are there so many abscesses in Sumner County?  There is a lot of MRSA out there.  I washed up to my elbows more than once yesterday at work.  Shudder.  I can't tell you how much I say, "Take all of your antibiotics.  Every bit of them, even if, you feel better." People don't understand that we created MRSA.
• I'm seriously thinking of either going back to school to do Nurse Practioner or Physcian's Assistant.  I want to get more experience as a nurse first, but in several years, it's something I'm definitely going to check into.  One of the ladies at work told me that nothing is stopping me from becoming a doctor and some of the best doctors were actually nurses first.  We shall see.  Medical School scares me to death.  It's one of the reasons that I changed my major all those years ago.
• Why does my ipod love Ben Harper and Ani Difranco so much?  I love them too, but when I put it on shuffle, I'd like to hear more than just two artists. 

The verdict is...

I swear I'm not going to turn this blog into only baby things (I would lose Lea and Bridget as readers!), but I thought I would let you guys know how our appointment went today, since I know most of you have asked me to let you know.

Well, let me start by saying the doctor was beyond nice and knowing that our insurance doesn't cover infertility treatment (A big sarcastic thanks to Humana, the best insurance ever. Ugh.), she didn't charge us for Aaron's appointment, though I was the one that was poked and prodded, not him, nor did she charge us for the ultrasound I had.  She also told us that we should be tested for Cystic Fibrosis, due to Aaron's cousin's child being born with it.  The testing is $500 a piece because our insurance doesn't cover it either; however, she told us a place to go online that will test for over 100 genetic disorders via a swab you do at home.  The cost is only around $130.  How awesome is that?!  The appointment ended up costing us, just my insurance deductible, which was $300.  That's way better than we thought.  Apparently, she said our insurance would cover being diagnosed with infertility, but nothing after that.  We were there for over two hours.  We closed the place down actually.  I know the nurses were waiting for us to leave. 

Our treatment plan is not so bad either.  I'm going to be put on another round of fertility medication, a drug called Femara ($130).  I'll have to go in on day 14 of my cycle and have another ultrasound ($170) to make sure it is working.  If it is and there is a follicle, then I'll get a hormone shot ($95) and then we'll have to do what husbands and wives do best that night.  Don't think about that part though.  After that, it's the waiting game to see if it worked.  These plans may be on hold until after our vacation though.  The vacation may intervene with the timing of it all.  I know what you're thinking, "What a romantic way to conceive a child!"  Rest your pretty little heads by knowing that we'll change the story for our children's benefit.

She told me to forget about temperature charting.  She said that it is just more frustrating than helpful.  I love her for that.  I hated temperature charting.  If anyone needs a temperature chart, I created a great one in Excel.  I won't be needing it anymore. 

I also loved the doctor for explaining exactly what is going on with my hormones.  I have to change my diet.  I'm not dieting, but I have to watch my carb and sugar intake.  Plus, I need to eat every 2-3 hours and not go long periods without eating.  Yes, this will be challenging with work, but I have to get better at this.  I won't bore you with the medical facts that make me have my condition, but basically my cells don't process insulin correctly.  They are slow to process it, which means I have more in bloodstream (and no, I'm not diabetic), which in turn, effects my estrogen and testosterone production.  You're body really is amazing.  Everything goes hand in hand, so if one thing is messed it, it can completely throw off another function in the body.  As someone in the medical field, I should have realized all of this.  I would have had I thought it through, but I'm so thankful that she explained it to me.  She also mentioned only eating something like pasta once a week.  For that, I don't like her so much.  Jk.

The next step is for me to have blood work drawn, which I'm planning on doing tomorrow.  I'm watching the clock because I have to have be NPO (nothing by mouth) after midnight.  I have to be "fasting" before they can draw my blood.  You better believe that I'll be partaking in food and drink for the next hour.  Tomorrow morning should be interesting because I can't have my morning coffee. I should be lovely to be around until I can have some. Oh yeah, I was informed I need to cut back on my caffeine too.  That's fantastic! 

Aaron has to have a sperm analysis ($100).  He is mortified and does not want to do it.  Knowing I'm typing this, would kill him, so don't tell him I told you.  If you're reading this honey, our friends should know the whole story.  I kind of like that I won't be the only one having something uncomfortable done to them.

I'm excited that we have started the journey.  Hopefully, it ends after one month, at least from the fertility stand point.  That would be amazing, not to mention save a wad of cash!  Don't be alarmed when we suggest that we meet at Wendy's for dinner.  Our money will be going into the hands of the fertility gods and to our much needed vacation at the end of the month.  We can still have fun being around each other, right?  Am I reminding you of that shady ex-boyfriend that always made you buy?  Hopefully, you're buying into it.

Thanks for being supportive in all of this.  I am very grateful.  This means a lot to Aaron and I, so I know, in my heart, it will work out for us, one way or another.  Thanks for reading a week of baby blogging, now back to our rescheduled programming.

The witch doctors

That's what Aaron calls the doctors at the Nashville Fertility Clinic.  We will be going to see these "witch doctors" next week.  How's that for quick?  The consultation alone is between $200-$810.  Ouch.  Our insurance pays nothing, so no new clothes for me for a while.  I think I'll manage with what I already have in my closet.  I think, maybe, just maybe, 70 pairs of shoes is enough for now.  Don't judge me, peeps.

I am excited to meet with the doctor that my wonderful OB doctor referred me too.  Apparently, she was voted one of the best doctors in Nashville by her peers.  That is pretty darn impressive.  That's the kind of person you need to smack your ovaries around and make them come to the realization that baby making is their job.

No, this isn't going to become one of those blogs that is just about fertility.  One thing doesn't define who I am as a person.  I'll go back to my randomness and write what I please.  It's just nice to know that other people know what we'll be going through in the next few months. 

Hopefully, the witch doctors (the nice doctors at the fertility clinic) can work some of their voodoo (IVF, hopefulness, IUI, baby making skills) and we'll expand the O fam soon. Just don't be alarmed when I show up in an outfit you've already seen before.  Gasp.  Didn't you know that repetitiveness is the new fashion in?  If I can bring brooches back, I can make vintage (last year's) fashion and simplicity (wearing the same thing multiple times to keep it..cough..simple) look tre chic.

Joyful once again

Okay, so I'm out of the funk that I was in on Tuesday thanks to my wonderful husband and a little soul searching.  He drug me out to dinner with some friends on Wednesday night and I instantly felt better.  Plus, I already figured out my life lesson in all of this.  It's really simple actually.  Once we become parents, I will be a better parent and more grateful because of the struggle it took to get there.  I think that's a pretty amazing lesson to learn.

So, I mentioned that I found the perfect quote for my collage.  Here it is:  "I cannot change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails."  You roll with and adjust to what your given to make the best of the situation.  That's what we're doing now.  That has always been my motto in my adult life.

I have the next two days, as well as, today off, so I'm going to enjoy it.  I've been enjoying it all day in my pajamas.  Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!

Crippled by a broken heart

Usually, I keep this blog light-hearted and positive.  I think that pretty much sums up who I am as a person.  I keep a very positive outlook.  I find negativity a major turn off.  Besides, why be negative when you get a better outcome staying positive?  For the most part, I have a pretty amazing life and there isn't much negativity to add anyway.

With all of that being said, sometimes I don't write what I want to write because I want to keep it to myself or don't want to bring the blog down.  By nature, I'm a very private person.  I'm sure most of you are aware of that.  Today's topic is keeping it real, so prepare for some downess.

For those of you, which is most of you, who don't know, I have a condition that makes fertility a little challenging for Aaron and I.  Yesterday, I found out that the fourth round of a fertility medication did not work, which means we are off to a fertility clinic next.  My doctor has tried everything that she can do for us. 

Needless to say, yesterday was not a good day for me.  Yesterday, I learned you can't die from a broken heart, not the break up broken heart or the disappointment break heart or even the "I didn't get my way" broken heart, but the mourning, as in death, broken heart.  The kind that feels like you've been punched in the stomach and that you are slowly drowning in sorrow.  You can see the surface to break free, but you have no idea how to get to it.  It's the same kind I've felt with great loss, like when my grandmother or dad died.  The kind where you can be laughing and happy and something reminds you and you are instantly crying and sucked back under the surface.  I'm such an ugly crier too. 

The point of this post isn't to invoke sympathy or for you to feel sorry for me.  I don't want to talk about it at this point.  I CANNOT talk about it at this point.  It's still a fresh wound, even though we've known for years. The burden of knowing it's my fault is crippling.  I just needed to get it out of my head and off of my shoulders for a moment. 

I'm waiting on a phone call from my doctor to know what are next step is going to be.  I know the road in front of us may be long and it's going to be very expensive.  In true Renee-form, I know it will work out for us in the end, but for the next few days, where that ending seems like an eternity away, I will be wallowing in self-pity and ugly crying it all out.  I need to feel sorry for myself for the time being.  I also know that self-pity is very unbecoming, so I promise it won't last very long.  Woe-is-me is so not me. Right now, it just hurts like hell.

All I ask of you, my friends, is to keep us in your thoughts and send some uplifting vibes our way.  Also, if you can add in a prayer for us not to have our own TLC show, if we have to do IVF, that would be nice too.  See, I can still keep some of my sense of humor, but seriously still pray that doesn't happen.  That is just as frightening as having no kids at all.  Also, in the moments where everything is overwhelming and your kids make you mad, count your blessings and hug those irritating kids and be thankful that you have them.  There are so many people out there that would love to be parents, but can't be for one reason or another.

In the next few days, if you don't hear from me, I'll be picking up the pieces of my little heart and putting it back together again.  I'll also be looking for my life lesson in all of this.  I haven't quite figured it out, but when things don't go your way, there is always something to learn from it and I will figure it out and be a ray sunshine again.  I think knowing that is half of the healing process, so I'm halfway there in just a day.