So while I was in the shower, my favorite thinking spot, this afternoon, I came to realization as I danced (no, not the safest things I've ever done) around to my i heart radio, as I thought of all the times that I dance with my niece Ava in the kitchen and of the time of playing a game with my niece and nephew where you had to do silly dances and I realized that I spent much of childhood trying to be older or constantly worrying about things.
Cases in point, I first learned about sex, besides that awful sex video in the fourth grade, from reading IT by Stephen King at the ripe ol' age of 11 years old. Yeah, group sex amongst kids should really be avoided being read by any age group, I think. Should I have been allowed to read that book or any of the adult books I read at that time? Another, my favorite cereal was wheat chex as a kid. I would have a bowl of fiber rich wheat chex and drink (kid) coffee with my grandmother on (every other) Saturday morning. Yet another, I spent the ages of 14 until 22 (yeah, not a kid, but close enough), obsessed with not having good enough grades, thinking I would never have kids because I would screw them up, and meticulously counting fat grams and working out like a banshee.
Still not convinced? My parents realized around the age of 6 or 7 that they could no longer talk about money issues or bills in front of me because of one night when I offered them my piggy bank because I wanted them to be able to pay their bills and not worry. They knew then that I was worried about it and matters of a financial kind should be done behind closed doors.
When I was 12 and in junior high, I babysat so that I could buy my own school clothes because I actually felt guilty and like a burden for asking my parents for the things that I wanted. Also, I wanted to go on the high school trip with my French teacher to Europe, but I couldn't bring myself to ask my parents, who in hindsight, would of let me go without a doubt, for the money to go.
I was so "mature" that my parents let me stay by myself for most of the afternoon/evening when I was 9 or 10 years old. I was petrified, but told myself that I was a baby and I shouldn't worry them by voicing my concerns. That was also around the same time that they informed me that they knew that I couldn't possibly still believe in Santa and not to ruin it for my sister and brother. I think that was the "loss of my innocence" because I had held onto the hope that there had to be Santa even if my friends said there wasn't. Santa was ruined for me, not my brother and sister.
I'm not bashing my parents here. I was a really mature kid. I've always felt like an old soul. Don't get my wrong, I loved playing barbies, house, climbing trees, and riding bikes, but there was a big part of me that preferred reading or hanging out with either grandmother or my mom over other kids. What kid chooses going to an antique mall over playing outside? Ding ding, this kid right here.
The point of this long entry and mourning over not being a kid long enough is that I've came up with a way to rectify this situation. I'm not sure how much of this I can do, but starting now, at least twice a month I will do something that makes me feel like a kid again. Things that kids love to do. I've already started a list of things I want to do. Here are a few: go to the Science museum, swing, build a fort and read a book inside, catch lightning bugs (letting them go, of course!), color, make up a story, eat ice cream or cake for dinner (I've already done this once!), watch my favorite kid movies with popcorn and candy, play a kid game, play in the rain, and have a water gun fight.
As I get older, I find myself aging physically, but in my heart, becoming younger, more carefree and less worried about things that I cannot control. This is a huge step for me. I came out worrying. You know, I've said it on here before and it's very much the truth.
I've also said that we all need a little whimsy every now and again and I believe this will be my whimsy. You should all try it. Maybe I'll have a kid party for us adults. We'll eat hot dogs and mac & cheese, play pin the tail on the donkey, and have a water gun fight. I think an afternoon like that sounds divine. It would be absolute perfection if it would also rain and we could play and even better, if our parents could come clean up the mess.
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