Oh, the weight of the world is heavy

Okay, so what's been weighing heavily on my mind, you ask? Well, first off, let me say that I love my job. I love the people, the atmosphere, and my awesome boss. I do not like the drive. I HATE the drive. I realized when I took the job that it would be an hour drive. I did not factor in that nurses have to be on the floor at their start time, not clocking in. Someone is always waiting on you to either go to lunch or to give report, so that they can go home. So, this means, that I have to leave my house at least 15-20 minutes early on the trips to Dickson to make sure that I get there with time to put my stuff away, use the bathroom, and load my pockets for my shift. I am basically losing two hours and twenty minutes in driving every time I go to work.

Now, I have thought about staying the night at a hotel (I only have to pay either $15 or $20 depending on where I stay) on days when I have three shifts in a row, but I do not sleep well in hotels and I'm creeped out by the thoughts of bed bugs and grossness.

So, here is the kicker (the heaviness, the choice), on a whim, I emailed the Summit nursing recruiter about a job in the ER that I had seen that was posted. I only have four months experience, so I figured she'd email me back and say that I didn't have the experience. I told her in the email to just keep me in mind for at least a part-time position, so that I could have full-time hours between the two jobs. Um, she emailed me alright, asking when I could interview. I am in shock. I guess you shouldn't ask for something, unless you really mean it. Not only, did she email me back, but so did the recruiter at Centennial, who I had emailed about a position in the OB ER. I was shot down for that one, but she told me that I could INTERVIEW for the a job in the ER at night during the week. Shut yo' mouth. I know.

I guess, it's true what they say, that once you have a little experience under your belt, the sky is the limit when it comes to nursing jobs. I hope you're listening Tennessee Oncology, who won't give me a chance.

I'm left feeling excited, guilty and confused. The director of the ER at Summit called my boss to ask about me. I did not tell her I was applying. I didn't really apply. I just sent an email to the recruiter. I told her this, that I never thought that they would actually email me back, let alone use the word interview. To top the guilt off, she said good things about me. She was the only one that gave me a chance when I was looking for jobs and here it is four months later and I'm already looking for an exit. I feel horrible. Plus, everyone at work is super nice. They let me ask a million questions and don't look at me like I'm idiot. Well, minus one of the doctors and a couple of the nurses, but I think out of 50 something nurses for only one or two to be mean is pretty awesome odds.

Here's my dilemma, not that I know if I'm even going to get offered the job, but do I take it? I haven't emailed the recruiter back at Centennial just yet. I'm not sure that I want too, but remember, Centennial was my number one choice when I was looking for a job. Oh dear, the decisions will drive a person crazy.

Here's a list of my concerns for either taking the job or not taking the job and staying where I am. Help me out, my peeps! What do you think I should do? Ultimately, I know it's my own decision.

Pros:

• I would have a set schedule. I don't like having an unset schedule. I'm a planner by
  nature and all this going from morning, to night shift to mid-shift, as left me
  extremely tired to say the least, not to mention my sleep pattern is all over
  the place and I feel constantly tired, even when I sleep in half the day.
  So, a set schedule would be awesome. Plus, I wouldn't have to cancel plans when they call me the day of asking if I can work. Ugh, I hate that.


• Less maintenance on my car and money towards gas and not feeling like I waste so much time driving. Ah, that drive. No more. How about 10 minutes from my house at the most? I have never had a job that close to my house. I'm not sure I'd know what to do with myself.


• I would get benefits immediately. Basically, I would be considered a transfer employee. We pay an arm and a leg for Aaron's insurance. I'm talking $400+ a month. I'm not sure about how much I would have to pay at the hospital, but I'm thinking that it is probably good insurance and well worth whatever amount you have to pay.


• Being a transfer, I think I would get my same rate of pay. I make like $7 more than a full-time worker because I am PRN and work crazy shifts. I'm not 100% on this, but that is unbelievable to me. It doesn't seem fair, but I'm down with making the same!


• I would be full-time. Meaning, three shifts a week. Word! Our bank account would thank me.


• Better shift hours. It's crazy, but I have always said that 9am-9pm would be the perfect shift for me. They do not offer that shift where I work. It just so happens that the shift I applied for is either 9-9 or 11-11. How crazy is that? It's like my prayers were answered.

Cons:

• I like all the people where I work. I don't like being the new person and I'm just getting to the point where I'm not the new person anymore. I like almost everyone at the job. I'm becoming friends with them. Check out my facebook, like 20 of them are now my friend on there.


• People aren't bothered by my questions. I still have a million questions every day. I mean, I'm a new nurse. I still have to ask about things every day. I would hate to start a new job and they all feel burdened by me because I have to ask a million things.


• They need me now more than ever. I'm not just saying that. They really do. One of the other nurses, just went on maternity leave and another one will go soon. Not to mention, there are like 5 other girls pregnant. If I leave now, they will be in a bind. Plus, I'm getting more hours now and next schedule they are all day shifts because I took the shifts of the girl that went on maternity leave.


• I like where I work. I'm used to where things are and how things are done. What if it's totally different at another hospital. How will I get used to it? It'll be restarting all over and erasing what I learned at my current work.


• The position I applied for is weekend days. I'm really concerned about not seeing everyone anymore. I mean, I've had a few break downs already about not ever seeing my family or friends. See how much I care about you guys? I burst into tears last weekend because Aaron told me that he had to work on Sunday, which was going to be the first time I was going to get to see him in three days. So, for everyone out there that thinks being off during the week is great, it is, but you don't think about working on the weekends and not seeing anyone because just about everyone works during the week and is off on the weekends. Sigh. Yes, I knew I would have to do this when I was a nurse, but it still sucks. Wasn't that stated eloquently?

There you have it, the pros and the cons. I'm sure there are more, but my mind is racing, so I can't think of them right now. What do I do? I'm so torn, but at the same time, excited about the possibility. Why do life's decisions have to be so difficult? Why when you are at crossroads can't there be a sign that says, "This way to a positive and rewarding future." I'll let you know how Thursday goes.